Faithchild

Dear Mr R,

I can remember clearly when u left last year, I was so disappointed. Kept crying and kept wishing I would do more when you were here.

I am not sure why I took you for granted initially. Nothing I did was with my heart… it was just done because it was a ‘duty’. I thought what I did in your presence will benefit me much more than if i do it without you. Well, that’s what people say at least… I do wonder how that can be possible when my heart is not with you.

But i persevered, even when I do not love what i was doing (I am very ashamed to admit that now). And slowly i realised that feelings have been developed.

Verses of Allah reminds me beautifully how life is transient and that there is a Hereafter that I should be looking forward to. The standing up for prayers in the night seems to brings me in close communication with my Creator… bringing  a sense of repentance and humility that always seems to float by me at other times. You, have brought me down to earth… brought me down to the reality of this life and reassess my life, my priorities and my directions.

Now, the same thing is happening… I never seem to learn my mistake aren’t I? I don’t want you to go so soon, but I am not yet in the full mode of things.

To you who is reading this letter, please pray for me and my family that we find another fulfillment in this Ramadhan. May Allah accept your deeds and my deeds.

Umm Wafaa Ul-Imaniyyah.

Read the papers lately? Twice (both on different projects) our projects are higlighted in the newspaper. I guess when it comes to the issue of sexuality education for malay teens, everyone seem to be so interested.. coz apparently it is a taboo topic for many especially our community.

Frankly, we faced alot of questions when we were at the ‘drawing board’ trying to come up with something. Should we be open? If yes, how open? What should be discussed, what should not? Why would we want to discuss this? Alhamdulillah, what is clear was our objective; hoping to make teens realise the bigger role of sex for our society’s well-being and personally for me to make them see that BGR may have lurking dangers that some "unfortunate" teens fall into. I don’t really mean unfortunate because there is always choices that we can make, but some people may feel pressurised to make choices which are not their own.

Anyways, talking abt sexuality education, recently read a book entitled From Diapers to Dating- A parent’s guide to raising sexually healthy children. In it, the writer mentioned abt teaching small children the right names for the sexual organs. This will allow them to communicate any sexual abuse happening to them (naudzubillahi mindzalik) as they know the part of their body that is in pain. Also they will not feel ashamed of having or talking about that sexual organ to their parents as parents have opened the door to ‘ask me anything, even if it is about sexuality’. I find that a good way to tell children since young that, "hey! I am here, don’t worry mummy will answer your questions."

The question is what do we tell them and when? I remember a real-life situation she quoted in the book. A son (toddler) went to his father asking, "Dad, where do I come from?" The father, having attended the writer’s session, thought it is a good opportunity to teach his son about reproduction, thus, he told him in details about the whole process. The son still stood there looking at his face and said; " Dad, my friend *** said he is from Cleveland, where am I from?" Haha.. I think people might think I am mad when I was reading the book and laughing to myself in the train!

Yeah, so, it’s good to answer questions, but ask the background of the question. i.e.  Like, "Why did you ask that?" or "Where did you hear that from?" or "What makes you think it is so?" before we answer any question and not really answer the questions!

Another funny incident was when my boss was sharing that his son asked him, "Ayah, is kissing nice?" Haha.. by the way, he is in P1. However, before my boss could handle the question, this boy ran off with a cheeky smile. Hmm.. I wonder why he asked that, but i think it was a missed opportunity, right?

So, I guess my own answer to what to explain when will be when they start asking. Probably when they are able to start to reason, I will also explain to them when I find teaching moments. Find teaching moments? haha… probably teaching moments will find us. I mean incidences like public displays of affection, tv shows that portray intimate relationships, should be discussed if one were to suddenly find oneself with one’s children  stumbling upon them. Even if you think you can forget it, probably not your children. These (especially if you monitor what they watch or where they go) would be new things for them and would make them curious. Well, if you don’t monitor them, probably they would have been exposed earlier, then all the more when these teaching moments arises and they are already of an age to reason, they should be explain nicely about them. What is ‘them’? Depending on what you see; but i think if it is intimate couples on the streets, it is good to explain about love, how to show love, who to show love to, why people have different ways of showing love, the muslim way of doing things. If it is a love-making scene on tv, first switch the channel, then during a chit-chat time, ask if they know what happened on tv, explain abt why people have sex and with whom it is appropriate.

Easier said than done, some may say. It’s going to be a big task for me too.. probably it will come in 5 to 6 years down the road for me.

Oh, coming back to the topic of under the eyes ofthe media, well,personally, I don’t like it. Most of the time, things get publicised and others will call to enquire, to research, to want to carry out the programs. Really wonder if it is a bliss or ‘blast’… haha, especially if our methods are not agreed by others. I don’t mind disagreement, but if I can choose to avoid it, I would because it is a ‘waste of time arguing’. Oh God… is this attitude bad?

Everytime we finish a course in school, I always go through this feeling of relief (alhamdulillah, it’s over!) , retrospection (I should have done this, said this.. blah blah..) and introspection. Of course it’s always very joyful to meet new people, especially teens. They make you feel not just youthful (hehe…) but also keep you in touch with ‘trend masakini’.

One thing we notice about teens especially when doing this sexuality awareness workshop is that they seem to be very much in need of someone to love them, care for them or show genuine concern for them. THAT is the main reason for most them to look for love or to think that they might be in love with someone and thus have to establish a relationship with that person in order to make it formal i.e. "I’m your girl, you are my guy, we take care of each other". (Probably they sound much more romantic then the way I put it here).

Somehow I wonder whether it is because a lack of love or concern by parents that they have to look for it elsewhere? I wish not to think such about parents, as I know for sure (as I have a child of my own) that every parent want the best for their children. In introspection, I wonder if it could be that they started off like me (being concerned and all) and along the way as the children get older, the enthusiasm of raising happy, confident and God-Conscious children faded. Nauzdubillahi min dzalik. I pray that Allah gives me, my hubby and other parents/parents-to-be remain steadfast to their duty.

Yes, we can blame peer pressure, media or even government policies whenever something untowardly happens to our children. However, from what I hear from some teens parents communicate minimally with their children especially about things that are close to their hearts. If only parent and child listen and talk, they will be much less misunderstanding about the how precious each family member is. If saying ‘I love you’ can be done to people who were ONCE important to you (like exs) , what hinders you from saying the same to your really loved ones i.e. your family? If you don’t tell, your children thinks they are not loved… and this is the reality. Some of teens interviewed feel unloved, untrusted or even hated. Teens interviewed who communicate more with their parents do not see the need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they are nowhere near marriageable age. And let’s face it, BGR opens the door to sexual exploration and sexual exploration opens the door to zina.. naudzubillahi mindzalik. Pls protect our own children.

It’s not totally fair to blame parents though. As I do know of parents who try hard as they do, the children still do not want to open up. I guess the best in such cases is to pray as the prayer of a mother will never be refused by Allah. Only He knows when is the right time to open up your child’s heart.

Hopefully the children also realises that action can speak louder than words. The fact that your parents have brought u to this world (oh yes, pregnancy and birth are really tough… and the thought of having to ensure there is money to buy food and clothes for the family every day for the rest of your life is pressurizing) and gave you education and hope that you will become someone good in the future are all things not uttered by them. Those are difficulties kept hidden and wishes locked preciously in the core of their hearts. Probably, day in day out, they only utter frustrations… but let me assure you if they have a choice or if they KNOW they have a choice, they would not handle it that way. The fact is most parents do not know they are irritating their children. They think THAT is the way to convey their concerns especially when it always fall on deaf ears.

Now, even if the parents do not know how to show love, the children can start showing or expressing love for parents. How do children do that? Think about what would be the most pleasing for your mom or dad that you can do today? Make your bed before you go to school? Kiss and hug your mom/dad before you leave? Speak in a loving and kind way? How about smiling when you come back home? Sejuk hati mak nampak anak yang suka bila nampak muka mak.

Sometimes wonder why it’s so much easier for us to kiss and hug our friends or smile and laugh with them than with our own family.

No matter who you are, parent or child, we gotta start somewhere even if it is as small as a smile with an intention to help your relationship be closer to each other.  

" Allah burdens not a soul more than what he can bear…" 2:286 and "With every difficulty, there comes ease.." 94:4

Be assured by Allah’s promise that even as something is difficult at the start, it will be easier later.

So what are u waiting for? Smile.. you are at home!

Hi! Today I’ll be talking about how breastfeeding is good for your baby and you…Cut!

Nope, I am not going to give a talk. But rather sharing of my experience in breastfeeding Wafaa for the past 3months plus.

For the new mommies, I am very sure some will find total breastfeeding during your maternity leave extremely difficult and tiring. It’s also cumbersome and embarassing when you have to do so in public. (Let me first declare that I am not in any association with any pro-breastmilk organisations.)

Anyway, I did face challenging times of sleepless nights and restless days as baby Wafaa is takes small amounts of frequent feedings. (I’ve heard people say that most baby girls suckle like that) I faced ppl suggesting mixed feeding as they think the baby is not getting enough which I just shrug it off with a smile. InsyaAllah, it is enough…in fact one thing that I regret not doing is to stock up during this period. The thing is when I went back to work, I could not pump enough to supply her whole day’s needs.

A lot of times I used to blame myself if baby Wafaa becomes cranky as it could be due to the food that I eat. I always have to think twice before eating anything as certain things can cause gas in her stomach. Sometimes, I grumble in my mind that I have to avoid certain foods… macam tak redha gitu.

Also, if you get a baby whose feedings are as irregular as the shade provided by moving clouds, then you will experience engorgement and worse, milk fever. Yeah.. been there, done that.

That aside, I persisted because it bonds me and her emotionally. And i had hope to follow the advice of the Quran that we should provide breastmilk for 2 years. Truely, at that time, i could not see much advantage except for the bonding part.. that too, i wonder if it was a ‘figment of my imagination’. Haha… (You know.. how do you quantify or qualify bonding with a newborn)

But anyways, recently, my mom (her main caregiver) caught the flu. So did my brothers (who live in the same household) and so I caught it too. I continued to breastfeed her in that condition as I reasoned that if i were to stop, then I would be depriving her with the ‘immunity’ that the breastmilk is suppose to provide.

Anyways anyways… only that recent incident showed me that breastmilk does work! Ta da! She didn’t get sick despite nearly the whole household did! Alhamdulillah… I thought that was the ‘prove’ of its effectiveness.

ooo… now that I think back, even with the 4-in-1 jab that she took at 12 weeks she barely got a fever when I heard that most babies will. But of course I straightaway gave her medicine when we came back from the polyclinic. (Despite her not being sick)

So that was 1 and a half prove.

My cousin who is a counsellor said that her two daughters whom she breastfed for more than a year became very close to her. They are 4 and 5 now. She adds further "Kalau bukan dengan u, siapa lagi you want them to be close too? Of course, as a mother you want your children to be close to you." Yeah, that’s true… probably such babies will heed their parents when they grow up and avoid mixing with bad companies… Ameen.

Probably, probably, I will see more and more joys of breastfeeding as she grows up to be a strong, intelligent and God-conscious little girl. That’s what I hope to see…

This is a materialistic world you know… Hmm… Or is it ME who is being materialistic??! I hate to admit this… BUT… the mrt ride every provides me with the opportunity to look at the shoes and bags and skirts and tudungs that women wear… and say, hey that’s nice! Maybe that’s something I should get too!

Urgh! How disgusted am I when I really think and reflect about such attitude. People are not defined by who they are on the outside, they are what they are on the inside… yes, in today’s world appearance matters if you want to get somewhere. BUT the inside matters if you want to stay-on that somewhere… Gosh! With such superficialities, what would I be imparting to my daughter then?

Sometimes, the materialism is "facaded" (if there is such a word) with ‘retail therapy’. Haha! How many of us are guilty of retail therapy? Definitely I am one… I guess some would say, well, it’s ok if you have the money. BUT..How many would say the therapy works? Hahaha. I say, yes the therapy works …probably momentarily… then you go back in the vicious cycle of work-stress-therapy.

Sigh…It’s been a long time that I took that shopping time to go to the mosque to do a short iktikaf…I should start!

In addition to all that, I’ve to think of all the resources we women are gathering/ buying that we don’t need… which will end up in the trash bin somewhere in the future. We’re producing more and more trash… *clap, clap, clap*

What is actually driving this materialism in me? Probably lack of communication with Him, lack of reflection, too much entertainment.. i.e. TV, amusements due to morning show on Warna, internet surfing etc… it all boils down to a lack of remembrance in Him… Astarghfirullah.

Hey girl! It doesn’t suffice to pray 5X a day, fasting in the month of Ramadhan to be a true Muslim who brings benefits to others and the environment. It takes more than that. Most importantly it takes a humble heart which is always seeking to be conscious of Him in our actions.

I am a bad example… however, I am striving and struggling to do better. So Wafaa, when you grow up, always remember this …

"Our lives are too short to make all the mistakes ourselves. Learn from the mistakes of others."

To those who are reading this Blog, please du’a for the God-consciousness of me, my husband and my daughter. Jazakumullah in advance.

Inspired by the name of my daughter… Faithchild is a dedication to my thoughts and feelings about making sense of Faith in today’s modern, globalized and techno-savvy world.

Probably some posts will not be directly linked to faith…but somehow it will if we really think abt it… be it faith-less or faith-full.

Ok let’s just wait and see how this all work out. (Fyi, I’ve always described myself as a ‘no-hope’ in writing… ;P)