Faithchild

Read the papers lately? Twice (both on different projects) our projects are higlighted in the newspaper. I guess when it comes to the issue of sexuality education for malay teens, everyone seem to be so interested.. coz apparently it is a taboo topic for many especially our community.

Frankly, we faced alot of questions when we were at the ‘drawing board’ trying to come up with something. Should we be open? If yes, how open? What should be discussed, what should not? Why would we want to discuss this? Alhamdulillah, what is clear was our objective; hoping to make teens realise the bigger role of sex for our society’s well-being and personally for me to make them see that BGR may have lurking dangers that some "unfortunate" teens fall into. I don’t really mean unfortunate because there is always choices that we can make, but some people may feel pressurised to make choices which are not their own.

Anyways, talking abt sexuality education, recently read a book entitled From Diapers to Dating- A parent’s guide to raising sexually healthy children. In it, the writer mentioned abt teaching small children the right names for the sexual organs. This will allow them to communicate any sexual abuse happening to them (naudzubillahi mindzalik) as they know the part of their body that is in pain. Also they will not feel ashamed of having or talking about that sexual organ to their parents as parents have opened the door to ‘ask me anything, even if it is about sexuality’. I find that a good way to tell children since young that, "hey! I am here, don’t worry mummy will answer your questions."

The question is what do we tell them and when? I remember a real-life situation she quoted in the book. A son (toddler) went to his father asking, "Dad, where do I come from?" The father, having attended the writer’s session, thought it is a good opportunity to teach his son about reproduction, thus, he told him in details about the whole process. The son still stood there looking at his face and said; " Dad, my friend *** said he is from Cleveland, where am I from?" Haha.. I think people might think I am mad when I was reading the book and laughing to myself in the train!

Yeah, so, it’s good to answer questions, but ask the background of the question. i.e.  Like, "Why did you ask that?" or "Where did you hear that from?" or "What makes you think it is so?" before we answer any question and not really answer the questions!

Another funny incident was when my boss was sharing that his son asked him, "Ayah, is kissing nice?" Haha.. by the way, he is in P1. However, before my boss could handle the question, this boy ran off with a cheeky smile. Hmm.. I wonder why he asked that, but i think it was a missed opportunity, right?

So, I guess my own answer to what to explain when will be when they start asking. Probably when they are able to start to reason, I will also explain to them when I find teaching moments. Find teaching moments? haha… probably teaching moments will find us. I mean incidences like public displays of affection, tv shows that portray intimate relationships, should be discussed if one were to suddenly find oneself with one’s children  stumbling upon them. Even if you think you can forget it, probably not your children. These (especially if you monitor what they watch or where they go) would be new things for them and would make them curious. Well, if you don’t monitor them, probably they would have been exposed earlier, then all the more when these teaching moments arises and they are already of an age to reason, they should be explain nicely about them. What is ‘them’? Depending on what you see; but i think if it is intimate couples on the streets, it is good to explain about love, how to show love, who to show love to, why people have different ways of showing love, the muslim way of doing things. If it is a love-making scene on tv, first switch the channel, then during a chit-chat time, ask if they know what happened on tv, explain abt why people have sex and with whom it is appropriate.

Easier said than done, some may say. It’s going to be a big task for me too.. probably it will come in 5 to 6 years down the road for me.

Oh, coming back to the topic of under the eyes ofthe media, well,personally, I don’t like it. Most of the time, things get publicised and others will call to enquire, to research, to want to carry out the programs. Really wonder if it is a bliss or ‘blast’… haha, especially if our methods are not agreed by others. I don’t mind disagreement, but if I can choose to avoid it, I would because it is a ‘waste of time arguing’. Oh God… is this attitude bad?

Everytime we finish a course in school, I always go through this feeling of relief (alhamdulillah, it’s over!) , retrospection (I should have done this, said this.. blah blah..) and introspection. Of course it’s always very joyful to meet new people, especially teens. They make you feel not just youthful (hehe…) but also keep you in touch with ‘trend masakini’.

One thing we notice about teens especially when doing this sexuality awareness workshop is that they seem to be very much in need of someone to love them, care for them or show genuine concern for them. THAT is the main reason for most them to look for love or to think that they might be in love with someone and thus have to establish a relationship with that person in order to make it formal i.e. "I’m your girl, you are my guy, we take care of each other". (Probably they sound much more romantic then the way I put it here).

Somehow I wonder whether it is because a lack of love or concern by parents that they have to look for it elsewhere? I wish not to think such about parents, as I know for sure (as I have a child of my own) that every parent want the best for their children. In introspection, I wonder if it could be that they started off like me (being concerned and all) and along the way as the children get older, the enthusiasm of raising happy, confident and God-Conscious children faded. Nauzdubillahi min dzalik. I pray that Allah gives me, my hubby and other parents/parents-to-be remain steadfast to their duty.

Yes, we can blame peer pressure, media or even government policies whenever something untowardly happens to our children. However, from what I hear from some teens parents communicate minimally with their children especially about things that are close to their hearts. If only parent and child listen and talk, they will be much less misunderstanding about the how precious each family member is. If saying ‘I love you’ can be done to people who were ONCE important to you (like exs) , what hinders you from saying the same to your really loved ones i.e. your family? If you don’t tell, your children thinks they are not loved… and this is the reality. Some of teens interviewed feel unloved, untrusted or even hated. Teens interviewed who communicate more with their parents do not see the need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they are nowhere near marriageable age. And let’s face it, BGR opens the door to sexual exploration and sexual exploration opens the door to zina.. naudzubillahi mindzalik. Pls protect our own children.

It’s not totally fair to blame parents though. As I do know of parents who try hard as they do, the children still do not want to open up. I guess the best in such cases is to pray as the prayer of a mother will never be refused by Allah. Only He knows when is the right time to open up your child’s heart.

Hopefully the children also realises that action can speak louder than words. The fact that your parents have brought u to this world (oh yes, pregnancy and birth are really tough… and the thought of having to ensure there is money to buy food and clothes for the family every day for the rest of your life is pressurizing) and gave you education and hope that you will become someone good in the future are all things not uttered by them. Those are difficulties kept hidden and wishes locked preciously in the core of their hearts. Probably, day in day out, they only utter frustrations… but let me assure you if they have a choice or if they KNOW they have a choice, they would not handle it that way. The fact is most parents do not know they are irritating their children. They think THAT is the way to convey their concerns especially when it always fall on deaf ears.

Now, even if the parents do not know how to show love, the children can start showing or expressing love for parents. How do children do that? Think about what would be the most pleasing for your mom or dad that you can do today? Make your bed before you go to school? Kiss and hug your mom/dad before you leave? Speak in a loving and kind way? How about smiling when you come back home? Sejuk hati mak nampak anak yang suka bila nampak muka mak.

Sometimes wonder why it’s so much easier for us to kiss and hug our friends or smile and laugh with them than with our own family.

No matter who you are, parent or child, we gotta start somewhere even if it is as small as a smile with an intention to help your relationship be closer to each other.  

" Allah burdens not a soul more than what he can bear…" 2:286 and "With every difficulty, there comes ease.." 94:4

Be assured by Allah’s promise that even as something is difficult at the start, it will be easier later.

So what are u waiting for? Smile.. you are at home!