Faithchild

Subhanallah…

10 years have passed
since i decided

to change my ways
to live and not waste
this Life for Allah’s pleasure and grace.

It was a major step then
much bane
much pain
just to stay sane

Friends say ,"Why not wait?
Till u’re older."
"Won’t u regret?
And take it off later?"

I said to myself,
"I am doing this with all my heart,
I am sure this will never part..
from me
and will be
from now on,
reminder for me on who I am
checks on what I do
knocks on me my purpose in life
Nothing but seeking His Pleasure.

Now to think of it..
how silly can it be.
A piece of cloth can cause such
emotional battles,
psychological hauntings
and endless monologues.

Alhamdulillah
I am glad I was helped by Him.

I wish to tell the world
My hijab has helped me change for the better
When i initially thought to change for the better i put on the hijab.

Thank you Allah for this piece of cloth.

May Allah reward the beloved FMSA sisters who brought me to it. 

A friend of mine has just lost his youngest child. From my hubby’s explanation; apparently the baby had to undergo transfusion for lack of blood and his breathing became irregular thereafter.. Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun.

To those who have experienced the loss of a loved one, the words ‘death is real’ may be in the teens lingo "..DUH!". But perhaps for others who has not YET experience death of a dear one, the statement is just a fact that does not run any feelings across our hearts. In fact, if possible we would not want to think too much about it.

I don’t know why this thought of death has been in my head for a few weeks. Nope, not suicide .. haha, naudzubillah. But really, when Allah really does take take my soul away, AM I READY?

In my head.. no wait! I still have not finished some of my work.

In my heart.. no wait! I still want to watch my children grow.

Then I start to reflect.. then when would be the perfect time to die? Is it old age? Would I be too much of a trouble for my children by then? Is it after my children have started their families and then i can rest in peace? What if I die tomorrow? Do I have to worry abt my children.. or will Allah ensure their mercy and safety like how He showered His Mercy on Rasulullah s.a.w? Or perhaps nearly as close Rasulullah s.a.w…

What else do I want to achieve (or actually leave behind) when I eventually leave the world? To think of it, it does not matter what I achieve, but what matters is how hard I try sincerely.. is what is ‘counted’ by Allah. And really, it is what goodness that I leave behind that will continue to be my ‘resources’ for the Hereafter. The fame and popularity now really is momentary and is futile.

When am I ready to die? When am I ready to face Allah and redha that my life on Earth is over?

Perhaps it starts with thinking about death…

Finally, i found some time to update and write something here. This one is important for myself as it illustrates how the meaning of the verses in the Qur’an can unfold to you one day.

I have always wondered and quite confused about the first few verses of Surah Al-Baiyyinah. Probably there were people who tried explaining to me before.. i’ve to admit there were. It was this one particular usrah session when my naqibah was Sis Saemah and bro Zai(her hubby) was around to give inputs. Then, i remembered going home still unsatisfied with the answer…

Let me state the verse.

98:1 Those who disbelieve from among the people of the Scripture and Al-Musyrikin were not going to leave their disbelief until there came to them clear evidence.

Then in verse 4, Allah says,

And the people of the scripture differed not until after there came to them clear evidence.

Then, i had thought that the people of the scriptures did not belief because there was no clear evidence for them. And even when there came to them clear evidence, they still did not believe. It was a big question mark as to how come even with clear evidence they did not believe? And also, why would Allah inform us of that? It’s like with or without clear evidence (the message brought by Rasulullah s.a.w.) they still disbelieved.

Funny right?

Then, only a few days back … after probably 10 years later, I FINALLY understood.

What was meant was without evidence, they will not believe. But when evidence came, the differed AMONGST each other. Some of them believed, some disbelieved. Simple, but yet i could not understand it then no matter how hard Bro Zai tried to explain! Funny right?

Then i really appreciated the whole surah; why then Allah talked about what will happen to those who chose to believe and those who chose to disbelieve.

ok, let me just post the surah’s translation here for everyone (especially me) to see the full picture.

1. Those who reject (Truth), among the People of the Book and among the Polytheists, were not going to depart (from their ways) until there should come to them Clear Evidence,-

2. An apostle from Allah, rehearsing scriptures kept pure and holy:

3. Wherein are laws (or decrees) right and straight.

4. Nor did the People of the Book make schisms(differed), until after there came to them Clear Evidence.

5. And they have been commanded no more than this: To worship Allah, offering Him sincere devotion, being true (in faith); to establish regular prayer; and to practise regular charity; and that is the Religion Right and Straight.

6. Those who reject (Truth), among the People of the Book and among the Polytheists, will be in Hell-Fire, to dwell therein (for aye). They are the worst of creatures.

7. Those who have faith and do righteous deeds,- they are the best of creatures.

8. Their reward is with Allah. Gardens of Eternity, beneath which rivers flow; they will dwell therein for ever; Allah well pleased with them, and they with Him: all this for such as fear their Lord and Cherisher.

Upon reflection, how much do I differ in my life and in my actions from the Qur’an? Astargfirullah hal ‘azim. We too are people of the book though some may argue that people of the book here does not refer to us Muslims. However, by inference, if we were to behave the same (rejecting the Truth/ words of the Qur’an) after coming to know about it, then our condition would be the same like the People of the Book. Naudzubillah..

It’s time for me to reflect now…

So much has been said about the integration of knowledge. I remembered reading from Ismail Faruqi, Naquib al- attas etc… and trying to practise it while in school (with much much difficulty) and with my students (when I was teaching in PADA) and of course while doing TEENS alive.

I remembered clearly when it was first mentioned in my 1st FMSA camp… i was like.. what the heck was that??

Alhamdulillah, i have been ‘tarbiyahed’ slowly and especially today with the workshop by Bro Dawud, i found something more real and practical and foundational about integration of knowledge. The challenge now is to get back to thinking and practising it… after ‘flip-flopping’ with the concept for a few years now.

If any educators are out there reading this, i implore you to attend his workshop.. (of course when he comes here next time :))

Basically, we all know that most education systems that currently exist do not make us better human beings. And i mean better as in wholesomely better. In Singapore, we reward those ‘clever’ ones.. though they are not necessarily the kinds of human beings we would want our children to be. Everyone wished they were smarter… every parents wished their kids were smarter, just so that they could get into the universities and get better jobs, better pay and better living conditions.

In my contemplation, having to go to schools for certain businesses in my life, this is just not right. ..

I was touched when he said that the heart of the matter when we speak about education is the heart and not the mind. The heart when inspired, moves and excites the mind to find out and explore. The mind when spoonfed, breeds laziness… when praised, becomes bloated. I remind myself to put education in the proper perspective i.e. developing a wholesome person with the ‘ilm and ‘aml, to submit himself to the One God and serve his community.

With this, i think i still have a lot to educate myself!

Due to some ‘office politics’ here, i was brought into the mood for reflection.

I do wonder whether there are people who intentionally wants to do evil to others. It’s not that i think the world is all-good. Perhaps it’s more about trying to rationalise why some people ‘have the heart’ to hurt others. ok,ok, i’m not saying i’ve not hurt people… i surely did in cases where it’s unintentional or reactionary e.g. talking back to my mom, giving my hubby the cold treatment.

Basically, the point of my thought is that could one ‘have the heart’ to plan and execute an evil plan for one’s selfish gain? In addition to that, one is in a ‘caring’ profession?

Or is it a case of misunderstanding of intentions? Inability to communicate clearly and nicely to another?

I don’t know.. at this point, i could only pity the party affected. Pray for the best that she finds a job that is much better for her and is more appreciative of the efforts that she puts in.

On a brighter note, it is good to know the ‘bengkelians’ are rounding up people. Bestnya! I believe it’s not abt ‘membangkitkan’ zaman kegemilangan mat yoyo.. the past will remain a sweet reminisce, but it’s abt catching up with old friends and networking… and probably something more?

As i was watching Barney and my daughter’s ability to memorise the intonations (as she can’t speak yet) and the actions of the characters, despite her being 20 mths, I was wondering that wouldn’t it be good if we have a ‘melayu barney’. As in, to have our children learn malay and love malay, what could be the best thing but to show songs and plays. Currently, krayon is just ‘fair’ to me.

Of course, the nearest to having a mascot is the mat yoyo cats. Maybe they should be revived… in fact, kalau business minded, once the cats gain popularity, mat yoyo merchandises can be sold in stores. Yelah, kalau dulu kan, exclusive untuk pemenang penonton di rumah.

Haha, idea ada.. duit tada..

Sigh… this blog is an example of how it is hard it is for me to be consistent. And the title is suppose to have a 2 meanings, one positive the other negative. But oh well, this is my space! I write anytime and anything (oops.. not true) I want!

Well, the lack of activitity here was due to changes in my life… (not that i’m making excuses for myself) but given that I am not a natural ‘writer’ it does take some effort to be able to think and write down things… that are important. So, don’t be surprised that after this update, this blog may face a dearth again
Anyways, four months back I was in an office with only 1 colleague who is very dear to me. Now, four months ahead, I’m in a room with so many colleagues, whom I’ve yet to establish any sort of emotional bond. Then, I was busy doing curriculums for training, now I’m doing more of training than the curriculum. Then, I don’t meet the youths as often, now I meet them every single day.

There are so many things i wish I can do since i’m smacked right here in the middle of the school with no teaching responsibilities… however those plans would have to wait until i’ve delivered and gathered my energy back.

Yes, faithchild is receiving insyaAllah the gift of a baby brother… truthchild. Nope, there’s not going to be another blog. No time.

So, i am waiting for this special day to come insyaAllah at the end of the month or maybe earlier. Do hope frens out there will pray for the smooth delivery of my child and pray that he will carry out the amanah as a vicegerent and an ‘abd much better than his parents. Ameen.

That’s all folks!

It’s been a week since my hubby’s been away. How I miss him so..

Anyways, my days are spent in my mom’s or my in-laws, shuttling between the two depending on which day of the week Wafaa is suppose to be taken care by who.

That’s the arrangement at the current moment while I’m still able to carry her and the second one hasn’t caused me to be too lethargic.

Talking about carrying Wafaa… she’s getting really heavy for me to carry for long hours in the sling. (I’ve got nothing against the sling, I love it, I prefer it anytime as compared to the stroller which is bulky and which Wafaa hates sitting in.) So, I got a solution … an expensive one. I invested in an Ergo Baby Carrier due to the recommendations I’ve read in the net. The carrier came afew days back. Yeah, it’s good. Wafaa’s weight got down to my hips, so I don’t feel the heaviness (nearly) at all. I think it’s comfy for her too coz she will always fall asleep in it.

Anyway, I was suppose to be updating about Wafaa’s growing up.

So far, this is what she has been doing:

1. Eating nearly anything. She’ll ‘mengecek’ anyone eating even after she has just finished a meal. She’s really a ‘pemakan’ in my mom-in-law’s words. Maybe, this is one trait of her father that she follows… "Eat anything and everything that’s edible and halal!"

2. Her teeth hasn’t appeared fully but can see the whiteness in the gums. Aii… lama jugak, but alhamdulillah, that’s quite good coz she still breastfeeding.

3. She’s blabbering non-stop. ‘Yayaya..nyanyanya.. er er er ama mek’ and others.

4. She will laugh along anyone laughing. (Like as if she understands the joke)

5. Standing without support. Yesterday, she managed to take a step before she lost balance.

6. She’d rather cruise-walk than crawl.

7. She likes to make us play hide and seek and catching with her even though we’re actually minding our own businesses.

8. She can feed herself (not with utensils yet).

9. She stands or claps when she’s excited.

10. She throws tantrums (by wailing and kicking her legs and throwing her body) when she doesn’t get what she wants.

11. She likes to disturb and slap the face of a sleeping person… err, like me, papa, Nyai Ya or Abg Musa.

12. She’s a climber and explorer.

13. She likes to help in the kitchen, main periuk, keluarkan kentang and bawang, main senduk, buat muzik.

14. Oh yeah, 1 new thing I just taught her successfully yesterday (alhamdulillah) was the concept of ‘no more’ or ‘the food’s finished’. I will use a specific hand gesture to signal that the food’s finished. She followed and understood that and then will continue to do some other activities with her.  Before that, everytime she is fed with something or she ‘mengecek’ something from someone, when it is finished, she will surely be frustrated and will start wailing… Hopefully she doesn’t grow up spoilt… naudzubillah!

Oh my, how my baby has grown… While we were on our way to Nyai Salha’s house on the bus today and she was sleeping in my arms (in my Ergo) I was thinking, "How time flies… this little baby is my baby. Just 2 years back, I would be sitting in the bus alone, I can go anywhere I like, do anything I want. Well, I had enough freedom. This child is nikmat, even though it’s difficult. I don’t know how to explain it… I don’t know how the equation make sense that having a family and having responsibilities are more fulfilling than having a single, free life."

I pity my daughter. Never knew (though i probably experienced it before) that teething is such a pain.

Her teeth has not erupted from its gums yet, but she’s been coughing, feeling feverish, drooling and having alot of mucus coming out of her nose… ewww! Kesian sekali.

Last 2 nites she’s been waking up and crying… probably her gums are throbbing. The night before, she must have been dizzy or something because as she was crying and trying to hold on to me, she fell. Then another time, she tried to hold on to my mom, she fell too… causing her wails to go on higher amplitude.. at about 1 am in the morning! MasyaAllah, cobaan…

Then, finally, she vomitted all the milk that she took on my night gown and the mattress cover. Silence followed. I guess she felt relieved after purging all the mucus and saliva clogging up her oesophagus.

Last night was slightly better i.e. no vomit. Just wails every now and then.

It’s been quite a while since i was last here…

Just found the urge to write today as it had been quite a reflective day for me. The few thoughts that ran through my mind today…

- This life is only temporary. It’s funny how we work hard to get money and spend them to live a comfortable life when it is actually very temporary. One analogy that I’ve ever learned from someone and used it in my class is that if we were to draw a line to represent our ‘life’ then this life is just mere dot-size in that line. The Hereafter as informed by Alah is more eternal and everlasting.

- I just passed by a very pitiful old man ( a beggar) without giving him anything.(not that I usually do) But for a lame reason that I only have $2 note in my wallet and I need to buy needles and thread with that money. (ATM is too far away). Why lame? COz i can buy it any other day. It’s not like as if I am going to mend my clothes tonight! I must really improve my forgetfulness to think long-term.

- Was suddenly reminded too about the nikmat of realising a relationship with Allah about 11 years ago. If it hadn’t been for that camp in 1995, i would probably not be here, doing what I do, getting married to my wonderful husband and giving birth a to beautiful girl. Actually, I remember too someone who has been very instrumental to helping me discover that relationship and discover the real meaning of this life. I pray to Allah gives her bountiful rewards in this World and in the Hereafter for her patience and preseverance in His Cause.

- What does it mean to realise Islam for me? Initially it was bumpy and hard and tearful, but that discovery period is one of the most beautiful period of my life. Sadly, I was unable to do a good job at helping others… in any case, I always have to tell myself, this life is ‘theirs’ let them decide. Allah opens up hearts as He wills. But I tell myself sometime Allah opens up our heart, but it is just us not willing to change our status quo. Not willing to think beyond ourselves, think beyond the material world… and when I do that I get very upset. Then I tell myself again… do not worry, Allah will take care of them. InsyaAllah at a time a place that He wills, they will discover… if He wills.

- Thus for me, I just go on.. This work may require me not to be too spiritual, but the spirit in it is the same, "encouraging good and forbidding evil."

Let me end with this reminder for myself..

" Let there arise amongst you a community inviting to all that is good, that encourages what is right and forbids what is wrong. They are the ones to attain success." Surah Aali-Imran 3: 104